What am I doing?!

I've recently began this little wanting to do more.....art binge....

I'd been toying with the idea of starting to do some painting and after Wayang Kata even ventured to think about writing poetry.....was even gonna go all out and buy another Moleskin notepad, specially for poetry, and books with poems by Pablo Neruda, Miguel Pinero and Chairil Anwar...not to mention finally finish reading my copy of Rimbaud's A Season in Hell. And all that on top of writing that film noir trilogy and the slasher flick.......

The screenwriting I understand...I was into that on my own....but the painting and the poetry....that's a bit on iffy ground.....I get the feeling that one of reasons I want to do it....is to just get someone to notice me......which...is sad.....

But it's not like I don't like painting...the idea of painting intrigues me...but walking through the art flea market at the Annexe this morning.....made me realise that......even if I did paint.....I have no message. And Someone......is all about messages...... which goes on into poetry......which I'd kind of already decided....wasn't my thing back in Creative Writing class with Bernice......the kind of thing I write poetry about....it's all...personal...all me, me me, me, me.........and usual, emo me..........which would of course....ultimately mean that I'd be writing poetry about Someone, for Someone, hoping that Someone would notice me.........now that's sad....and just a teeny tiny bit pathetic....yea right teeny tiny......same goes for performing on stage really....and I don't even know if that'd work......

Coz you see.....to me......站在舞台上的男人是最有魅力.....well, those who really...the stage,or whatever their medium, is their element.....people like rockstars and actors.....YiDa, NLD, JGL, Christian Bale......you know what I mean....... So to me....that is the way to catch someone's eye...be in your element...and the stage...I'd like to believe is my element.....acting is my element......

But all this is a lot of mention of me...me being selfish...it's all about me...and the ironic..is that the right word? .....the whatever thing is......Someone seems to be all about the world.....society...it's scary when we do talk...I mostly have nothing to say...I'm in awe...which is probably a bad thing.......but yea...I'm in awe.....all these ideas and thoughts about the world...and here I am little pathetic ol' me....just trying to get Someone to notice me......to like me....to....anything! me.......well not anything....anything nice........

I just think that's all rather pathetic.........I can see it for what it is...yet.......perfectly willing to get hurt.......I've said it before and I'll say it again...I'm an emotional masochist........it's what I do....it stems from watching too many idol dramas and penchant for tragic bittersweet love stories....it's I Believe........

It's "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."