I don't know why. But I suddenly feel like an angel who's just got thier wings cut and is suddenly crashing down to Earth. Unable to fly, unable to dream.
Haunted by memories and images of another plain. One that doesn't exist in human reality.
Tethered to a reality that is fast becoming harsh and unforgiving. Unable to find solace in the usual places.
Something feels missing. And the memory of it keeps gnawing.
Is this what humans call depression?
I sometimes wish I was make-believe. A character is someone else's fiction. I want to see the world, the universe, all the alternate dimensions.
Perhaps that is why it pains me sometimes to watch Doctor Who. The possibilities it presents and the harsh reality that none of it could exist on this plain.
You cannot quit me so quickly There's no hope in you for me No corner you could squeeze me But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between The tears we cry Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more The Space Between The wicked lies we tell And hope to keep safe from the pain
But will I hold you again? These fickle, fuddled words confuse me Like 'Will it rain today?' Waste the hours with talking, talking These twisted games we're playing
We're strange allies With warring hearts What wild-eyed beast you be The Space Between The wicked lies we tell And hope to keep safe from the pain
Will I hold you again? Will I hold...
Look at us spinning out in The madness of a roller coaster You know you went off like a devil In a church in the middle of a crowded room All we can do, my love Is hope we don't take this ship down
The Space Between Where you're smiling high Is where you'll find me if I get to go The Space Between The bullets in our firefight Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you The rain that falls Splash in your heart Ran like sadness down the window into... The Space Between Our wicked lies Is where we hope to keep safe from pain
Take my hand 'Cause we're walking out of here Oh, right out of here Love is all we need here
The Space Between What's wrong and right Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you The Space Between Your heart and mine Is the space we'll fill with time The Space Between...
The other night, during a late night mamak session, a friend ased me this question a friend had asked him, that he had given quite serious thought about and found very interesting.
The question was - If you could be any man and any woman in the world right now, who would you be?
My friend then proceeded to launch into his narrowed down choices of who he'd want to be. My reaction? I was a tinge angry to be honest. I really have no idea why. Aside from why the heck would you ask this sort of question? And why the heck would I want to be anyone else but me??
I do realise of course, that I have been and have entertained such questions in the past. I just don't know why it irked me so much at this juncture. Perhaps there was a part of me which was insecure about being asked this, unconfident with what I was doing with my life or perhaps lack thereof. Or perhaps a part of me was reacting to some undistinguished spark of smugness or something I unknowingly am somehow most likely unjustifiably receiving from my financial analyst friend. I don't know.
But seriously, as I sat there, I just found myself thinking.....who else would I want to be but myself? I mean...not that my life is like super fantastic at the moment or anything but it was just like...my life. All the choices that I have made til this point have lead me here....and I'm absolutely happy with all of them. No regrets. This is who I am.
And really, it's just a question.....I mean people ask it all the time don't they? These hypethetical questions......who would you like to meet living or dead, etc. Right? Don't they?
I really have no idea why at that particular moment in time, and even to a certain extent right now, I find it rude. Goddess only knows why.......It still cheeses me off a bit....and really I don't think I have a reason to.
I can almost see it. That dream I'm dreaming, but There's a voice inside my head saying You'll never reach it Every step I'm takin' Every move I make Feels lost with no direction, My faith is shakin' But I gotta keep tryin' Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing The chances I'm taking Sometimes might knock me down, but No I'm not breaking I may not know it, but These are the moments that I'm gonna remember most I've just gotta keep goin', and I gotta be strong Just keep pushing on, but
There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side It's the climb
There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side It's the climb
Keep on movin' Keep climbin' Keep faith baby It's all about, it's all about The climb Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah
We were both young, when I first saw you. I close my eyes and the flashback starts- I'm standing there, on a balcony in summer air.
I see the lights; see the party, the ball gowns. I see you make your way through the crowd- You say hello, little did I know...
That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles- And my daddy said "stay away from Juliet"- And I was crying on the staircase- begging you, "Please don't go..." And I said...
Romeo take me somewhere, we can be alone. I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run. You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess, It's a love story, baby, just say yes.
So I sneak out to the garden to see you. We keep quiet, because we're dead if they knew- So close your eyes... escape this town for a little while. Oh, Oh.
Cause you were Romeo - I was a scarlet letter, And my daddy said "stay away from Juliet" - but you were everything to me- I was begging you, "Please don't go" And I said...
Romeo take me somewhere, we can be alone. I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run. You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess. It's a love story, baby, just say yes-
Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel. This love is difficult, but it's real. Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess. It's a love story, baby, just say yes. Oh, Oh.
I got tired of waiting. Wondering if you were ever coming around. My faith in you was fading- When I met you on the outskirts of town. And I said...
Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone. I keep waiting, for you but you never come. Is this in my head, I don't know what to think- He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said...
Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone. I love you, and that's all I really know. I talked to your dad -- go pick out a white dress It's a love story, baby just say... yes. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.
if it wasn't for you I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger Makes me work a little bit harder It makes me that much wiser So thanks for making me a fighter Made me learn a little bit faster Made my skin a little bit thicker Makes me that much smarter So thanks for making me a fighter
For the first time in my life....or perhaps not.....but for the first time that I can remember I want to go home to KL and do some soul searching......or perhaps just plain soul searching....
Perhaps it's the fact that I've been downloading US shows like crazy these past few weeks......or perhaps it's the city itself, tho I doubt it......but....lately, I've just been feeling this, disconnection with the city around me. Perhaps it's something telling me that this is not my home. Rarely have I ever felt this disconnected from the city around me. Perhaps only in Singapore towards the end of my stay there. Tho, I seriously feel that this city is not at fault. It's just me.
I suddenly can't see where I fit in here. or how. Yet there is so much here for me......or is there?
Being here.......has made me....Since I've been here.....I've had so many ideas for projects and things to do back home in KL.....it's almost like...where the f*ck were these ideas when I was back home? Perhaps it's that right now I have the time to cultivate these ideas, or perhaps this city is giving me all these inspirations?
I don't know. I suddenly feel this connection with western TV...again more than likely the affect of watching so many western TV shows lately....I have been lax in watching Taiwanese TV.....but how can I when the Ukrainian girls sit in front of the TV, hogging it while they do homework? The living room doesn't even feel like mine and more like theirs! It's like even if I do sit down, it's like I'm borrowing it from them or can only use it after they've gone to bed. Not exactly the kind of TV watching feeling I'd like to sit down to....especially after having my own TV for most of my overseas student life.......
Or perhaps all this just boils down to my insecurities. ChouStars didn't call me in for a interview, which is quite a blow to my ego. Perhaps it's just this revisiting of my insecurities in KL. I know I can act. I know I look good. But people don't see that. I'm not what they want. What they want are these gawd knows what kind of pretty face that can't act for peanuts. Why? Or is it that I'm not doing enough? I'll admit, that I don't promote myself enough. I don't whore myself out and go for every fucking audition out there. Should I? Even John Cho said that even if he went for auditions for things he didn't feel strongly about, he never ended up getting the parts anyways. Or does that sound like an excuse for me because hey, he's John Cho? And as much as I know you guys are being supportive, friends telling me to have faith and that I rock, doesn't really help. I do appreciate the encouragement, I really do.....but perhaps I'm just in my emo phase so please forgive me if I seem ungrateful.
If people don't give you work, make work for yourself. That's a rule I live by.....kind of, a rule I mean. I live by that. So perhaps the part of me that's emoing right now.....is frustrated that unlike when I'm at home in KL, here in Taipei, I'm powerless. And I haven't been powerless in a long time. I suppose it's a sobering experience for the soul. Let's it be knocked down a couple of notches. Or let's it be grateful for the people I have back home. The connections I've made, the people I rely on. My friends. My comrade in arms. My kindred spirits. Frankly I really don't know how we survive doing what we do. Perhaps it's our bourgeois background.......or perhaps it's just me. I love you all, you should know who you are.
I close my eyes and I smile Knowing that everything is alright To the core So close that door Is this happening?
My breath is on your hair I'm unaware That you opened the blinds and let the city in God, you held my hand And we stand Just taking in everything.
And I knew it from the start So my arms are open wide Your head is on my stomach And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep Here we are On this 18th floor balcony. We're both flying away.
So we talked about mom's and dad's About family pasts Just getting to know where we came from Our hearts were on display For all to see I can't believe this is happening to me
And I raised my hand as if to show you I was yours That I was so yours for the taking I'm so yours for the taking That's when I felt the wind pick up I grabbed the rail while choking up These words to say and then you kissed me...
I knew it from the start So my arms are open wide Your head is on my stomach And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep Here we are On this 18th floor balcony... We're both flying away.
And I'll try to sleep To keep you in my dreams 'til I can bring you home with me I'll try to sleep And when I do I'll keep you in my... dreams
I knew it from the start So my arms are open wide Your head is on my stomach And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep So here we are On this 18th floor balcony, yeah
I knew it from the start My arms are open wide Your head is on my stomach No, we're not going to sleep
Here we are On this 18th floor balcony... we're both.. Flying away
MIMI & ROGER There's Only Us There's Only This Forget Regret Or Life Is Yours To Miss
ALL No Other Road No Other Way No Day But Today
WOMEN I Can't Control
My Destiny
I Trust My Soul
My Only Goal Is Just To Be
Without You The Hand Gropes The Ear Hears The Pulse Beats Life Goes On But I'm Gone Cause I Die Without You I Die Without You I Die Without You I Die Without You I Die Without You I Die Without You
ALL No Day But Today
MEN Will I Lose My Dignity Will Someone Care Will I Wake Tomorrow From This Nightmare
There's Only Now There's Only Here Give In To Love Or Live In Fear No Other Path No Other Way No Day But Today
No Day But Today No Day But Today No Day But Today No Day But Today No Day But Today
I cannot believe how insignificant I feel right now. I feel like some rat that's crawled into a deep dark place to get away from the world or escape reality.
At home, the political climate is changing. Anwar is back and is planning to change the country. This could, this might, this...is the dawn of a brand new era. For I think, regardless of whether or not Sept 16 goes according to plan, Malaysian politics will be changed forever. For better or for worse, only Sept 16th and time, will tell.
And here I am. 'Chasing my dreams' all the way out here in Taiwan. When a part of me wants to take to the streets when they do back home. Wants to join in the vigils. The protests. Take that walk and light that candle. Perhaps I'm just in it for the opportunity, the chance to feel like I'm making a difference. Like I'm standing up for something, when really, I'm just there when it's seemingly convenient or spectacular. That I'm only there for the drama...in chinese...凑热闹. Perhaps I am. But so what?
Compared to what's happening back home, what I'm doing, pales in comparison. So, insignificant. So futile. Dare I say....selfish? A part of me wishes I was an activist. That I am the kind that constantly strives to make our society better. The kind that actually does something that worthwhile, not only for themselves and their immediate surrounding circle, but for their society and their people and for the world. The opportunity has also been there.......but I've never really.....grabbed it.
Why?
Why am I choosing to lead my life away from my society? Away from the achievement of the greater good (if that makes sense). Why am I choosing a path and leads away from the masses and towards the self? Am I selfish? Am I? For as a celebrity, what can I do for my country? What?
What?
edit - 2:08am But what could I possibly at home? March. Protest. Rally. What use would that serve? A demonstration of democracy, a show of people's will. ....what?
But what I truly want. What I truly feel, is the need to just be there. To sit on Malaysian soil with my brethren and wait. With bated breath. For a new age. Or not. To just, be ,There. And not far away, removed from my world, my country, my home in her time of distress.
So. It's been about a week since I left good old Tanah Melayu. And today is Hari Merdeka, the day we Malaysian won our independence from the British and declared ourselves Malaysia. It was a time to rejoice. I wish I could say the same about me. I am happy that I am here, away from the mother land, the people that I love. I'm even to a certain extent, use to it. But with all new beginnings, there comes that uncertainty for the future. That feeling of immense lost that comes with moving on. It is a time for........a teething period. A period where things are up in the air and nothing seems quite right. I'm at a place where everything I'm used to is not at my finger tips. I am adrift.
But that's not to say that I want to go back. That would be easy. That is not what I want. I just want the familiar. I want that sense of belonging. That sense that everything is going to be alright.
Perhaps I just need to find my center. My groove in this.....not so strange place. Perhaps I just need to find my place here....in the grand scheme of things. I do not want to go back. I want to stay. I am not.......homesick.
Perhaps it is a bit early to talk of all this. Afterall, I haven't even met my classmates, classes haven't even started. Perhaps it is my inability to jump right into things as I would have liked. Maybe it's the suddenness of departure from home soil. Perhaps I'm just overwhelmed. Perhaps......
Sometimes....you gotta wonder what we're all doing things for. I mean really. Sometimes, it's not like you'll be appreciated for it. It'd be even scarier if it were something you're betting your life on. But it's not to say that criticism is bad. But could it please be CONSTRUCTIVE. I don't know maybe I'm just scared. And stupid...I mean......你明知一定有人说你去看干吗 ? Sometimes it's like why go demoralise yourself further? Like life isn't a bitch already?
I swear, perhaps humans have a penchant for self punishment....I mean we do all these things that hurt ourselves intentionally.........hang out with the wrong people, read things we shouldn't bother with, why should we care?
