Soul Searching.....?

For the first time in my life....or perhaps not.....but for the first time that I can remember I want to go home to KL and do some soul searching......or perhaps just plain soul searching....

Perhaps it's the fact that I've been downloading US shows like crazy these past few weeks......or perhaps it's the city itself, tho I doubt it......but....lately, I've just been feeling this, disconnection with the city around me. Perhaps it's something telling me that this is not my home. Rarely have I ever felt this disconnected from the city around me. Perhaps only in Singapore towards the end of my stay there. Tho, I seriously feel that this city is not at fault. It's just me.

I suddenly can't see where I fit in here. or how. Yet there is so much here for me......or is there?

Being here.......has made me....Since I've been here.....I've had so many ideas for projects and things to do back home in KL.....it's almost like...where the f*ck were these ideas when I was back home? Perhaps it's that right now I have the time to cultivate these ideas, or perhaps this city is giving me all these inspirations?

I don't know. I suddenly feel this connection with western TV...again more than likely the affect of watching so many western TV shows lately....I have been lax in watching Taiwanese TV.....but how can I when the Ukrainian girls sit in front of the TV, hogging it while they do homework? The living room doesn't even feel like mine and more like theirs! It's like even if I do sit down, it's like I'm borrowing it from them or can only use it after they've gone to bed. Not exactly the kind of TV watching feeling I'd like to sit down to....especially after having my own TV for most of my overseas student life.......

Or perhaps all this just boils down to my insecurities. ChouStars didn't call me in for a interview, which is quite a blow to my ego. Perhaps it's just this revisiting of my insecurities in KL. I know I can act. I know I look good. But people don't see that. I'm not what they want. What they want are these gawd knows what kind of pretty face that can't act for peanuts. Why? Or is it that I'm not doing enough? I'll admit, that I don't promote myself enough. I don't whore myself out and go for every fucking audition out there. Should I? Even John Cho said that even if he went for auditions for things he didn't feel strongly about, he never ended up getting the parts anyways. Or does that sound like an excuse for me because hey, he's John Cho? And as much as I know you guys are being supportive, friends telling me to have faith and that I rock, doesn't really help. I do appreciate the encouragement, I really do.....but perhaps I'm just in my emo phase so please forgive me if I seem ungrateful.

If people don't give you work, make work for yourself. That's a rule I live by.....kind of, a rule I mean. I live by that. So perhaps the part of me that's emoing right now.....is frustrated that unlike when I'm at home in KL, here in Taipei, I'm powerless. And I haven't been powerless in a long time. I suppose it's a sobering experience for the soul. Let's it be knocked down a couple of notches. Or let's it be grateful for the people I have back home. The connections I've made, the people I rely on. My friends. My comrade in arms. My kindred spirits. Frankly I really don't know how we survive doing what we do. Perhaps it's our bourgeois background.......or perhaps it's just me. I love you all, you should know who you are.

XOXO........